In this life, there are three things you can count on: death, Scary Movie sequels, and George Broussard’s assurance that his “Duke Nukem Forever” disaster is being finished.
It’s been ten long years since the project, a follow-up to 1997’s “Duke Nukem 3D”, was announced to the world. Since then, it’s had a long and colorful history of engine switches, rewrites, disgruntled employees, and the popularization of a certain catchphrase that I won’t repeat here. One generation of the console war passed and another began, “Grand Theft Auto” got three Playstation 2 installments, “Final Fantasy” continued with five sequels, “Doom 3″ was released, millions signed up for “World of Warcraft”, and the “Halo” franchise rose and became popular.
Oh, and I also graduated from both high school and college. But I digress.
Not content to let the swollen dead horse of a joke die, “Nukem” co-developer and 3D Realms owner George Broussard announced on December 18 that a new teaser video was being put together for the company’s annual Christmas party. It was released on the internet yesterday, prompting many responses.
Here it is, in all its glory (if such a word can be used)
Broussard assured the gaming public that the above was a teaser, not a trailer– which explains why there’s next to no gameplay footage. We get a minute and ten seconds of the titular character lifting weights, cross-cut with images of scary looking monsters. Then Duke stands up, cracks his knuckles, and blows smoke into the camera. This is the part where we, the ever so patient and faithful fans, are supposed to stand up and scream “YEAH, ALRIGHT! LONG LIVE OUR DUKE! WHOOO!”
And hey, remember that cutscene in “Duke Nukem 3D” where he ripped the alien boss’s head off and dropped a deuce down its neck? That sweet moment is lovingly referenced here, when Duke proclaims “I’m looking for some alien toilet to park my bricks.” What a hilarious throwback! Will he be peeing in urinals and swearing too?
All the original fans of “Duke Nukem 3D” are not 13 years old anymore. While I certainly can’t speak for all of us, I know that my taste in humor has changed since junior high. Poop just isn’t all that funny anymore. Come to think of it, I don’t really laugh at jack off jokes or subtle misogyny either. Duke Nukem is like a friend you haven’t seen in years who hasn’t grown up. He wants to party all night and bring home strippers, but you’re engaged and have to be at work in the morning. If Broussard wanted to wow me with the scatology and ‘bad assitude’, he should’ve completed”Forever” in 1998, back when I still thought Adam Sandler movies were funny.
Who am I kidding though? When I’m 34 Broussard will still be putting together previews, posting tiny screenshots, and requesting new programmers.
BONUS! The trailer from 2001 that Broussard says is no longer relevant:
