Wolfenstein 3D turns 16

Source: Joystiq

I’m a bit late with this piece of news. Wolf3d’s sweet sixteenth was actually yesterday. But this is too big a story to fall through the cracks.

Feeding into the popular theory that kids are heavily exposed to violent media their whole lives, I was 9-10 years old when I first played Wolfenstein 3D (the shareware version, likely) on my friend’s brand new PC. At the time, I didn’t know what the point of the game was, that the enemies were Nazis, or even what ‘Nazis’ were. I was just flying down corridors, in a fully 3D environment, blasting any guy that moved and watching him land in a puddle of his own blood. I was opening secret passages and collecting treasure. Most importantly, I was doing things on a computer that the dusty old Apple IIGS at our house could never do.

Eventually we got a PC of our own, with a CD drive no less, and I acquired my own copy of Wolfenstein 3D— the shareware version first, and then the full six-episode package later. I spent many months mowing down Nazis (I knew who I was fighting at this point) stalking Hitler, having my throat attacked by menacing guard dogs, and using a chaingun to rain down an orgy of destruction on my enemies. I was also having the living hell scared out of me at every opportunity; to this day, Wolf3D tops my list of ‘Most Frightening Games’. To have an enemy silently sneak up behind you and open fire is terrifying.

It’s hard to believe that very game has turned sixteen. It makes me feel a whole lot older than my 23 years, and saddened as well. As fun and engaging as games are these days, they had a certain charm back in the early 90s that can never be replicated. Waxing poetic about all these memories is making me feel so nostalgic that I’m tempted to spend the entire day playing either Wolfenstein or Star Wars: Dark Forces.

To celebrate Wolf3D’s birthday, here are some fun facts:

• It was released before the ESRB was established, and was rated with a self-applied ‘PC-13’ (The ‘PC’ stood for ‘Profound Carnage’)
• The full game came with a thick hint manual that had every level and every secret explicitly mapped out. The book also featured a behind-the-scenes guide to id Software’s operation, which is especially interesting if you’ve read the book Masters of Doom. It remains in my bottom drawer intact, although the front cover is long gone.
• Every episode had a secret level. Episode Three’s was modeled after the classic Pac-Man maze, with all the Nazi enemies replaced by ghosts.
• The end boss of Episode Three is Adolf Hitler. He first appears in a mech-suit wielding four chainguns, then as himself wielding two. To reach him, you must first fight through a small army of robotic ‘fake’ Hitlers.
• Hitler has the goriest death in the entire game. After his body crumbles to bloody pieces, you get to watch a slow-motion replay of the event.
• The Super Nintendo version was heavily edited and censored. Later on, an unlicensed game from Wisdom Tree called Super Noah’s Ark 3D appeared, which blatantly redecorated Wolfenstein’s maps. Rumor has it that id Software was upset with Nintendo for sanitizing their game, and gave Wisdom Tree the go-ahead.

Glenn Beck Calls Video Game Bloggers “Losers”

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words are just funny.

So when Glenn Beck, a conservative talking head on CNN Headline News, called video game bloggers “losers” because they had the gall (the gall I say!) to write mean things about him, I could only chuckle. Then I ran to my blog like the shut-in moron I am to write up a post. Shame on me! How lame can you get?

“Whatever happened to Pong?” Mr. Beck asked last week, as he was discussing the newly-released Grand Theft Auto IV. He expressed concern over the game’s violent nature. He talked about the possibility of your 12-year-old picking up a hooker, having sex with her, and then beating her to death with a baseball bat; yes, he commented on the hooker thing, because no one else ever has. Then he had the president of the Parent’s Television Council show up to discuss the moral implications.

Gaming wastoids were naturally incensed by Mr. Beck’s one-sided piece, and took to their blogs in protest. Mr. Beck apparently read some of these responses and was not pleased. So in the middle of an interview with Dr. Cheryl Olson, (co-author of the book Grand Theft Childhood) he casually slipped in “I could care less” and that “video game bloggers, they’re losers.”

Now that’s just being unfair, Mr. Beck. I consider myself a video game blogger (on occasions when I update with something video-game related) and I’ve never said anything mean about you. In fact, I’d never even heard of you or your show until your GTAIV rant last week. I must’ve been busy trying to steal the train in San Andreas or kill the pig in Manhunt during your career. Oh, and graduating from college, can’t forget that.

I’ve always been taught that when someone calls you names, the natural thing to do is turn the other cheek and move on with your life. Mr. Beck’s retort here harkens back to the days of kindergarten verbal exchanges. Doesn’t he realize that by insulting gamers, he’s only encouraging more posts about him in the future? Maybe a comment like this will become a weekly feature on his show now. But unless Gamepolitics reports on it, I likely won’t see it. I’ll be too preoccupied with driving Madd Dogg’s manager into the ocean. Because I’m a loser, you see.