Nintendo to Hold Your Hand Through Upcoming Games

I feel an old man moment coming on…

You know, back when I was a young lad of eight, and had the old toaster-style NES keeping me company through weekends, games were tough. They were hard. They kicked your ass until you coughed up blood, and made you work to beat them. You played and you played until the hard edges of those control pads were grinding into your palms, and if you were lucky, you might have pushed a button at the right nanosecond and finished the final boss. That’s the way it was and we LIKED it! We LOVED it!

Now it’s mid 2009, and the video game demographic has spread beyond the Kool Aid sipping preadolescents of the 90s that we were. Now old people are playing, along with adults, young adults, parents, teachers, and nostalgic 30-somethings. So it’s only natural that a few adjustments would have to be made in how games are marketed and presented; but if this latest bit of news is true, Nintendo is about to go Kirby-soft when it comes to challenging their players.

The latest Super Mario Bros. will be released in stores this holiday season, and Shigeru Miyamoto has revealed that it will carry a feature called the “Kind Code.” Essentially a built-in demo player, the Kind Code will allow you to pause the game and let it play for you if you’re having trouble beating a level.

That’s right. Gone are the days of “Contra” and its insanity, of “Golgo 13″ and its mazes, of “Battletoads” and its jet ride levels. Welcome to the new generation, where Nintendo is prepared to take players by their soft hands and lead them through the big, scary games that could potentially make them sweat a little bit. Don’t worry about timing speed through those Twomps or adjusting jump distance for lava pits. Just sit back, relax, and let Nintendo do all the work for you.

Yeah, I’m a little angry about this.

3D Realms Bites It, Fate of “Duke Nukem Forever” in Question

AAAAAAAAAHHUGGGGGGH *splat*

Well folks, it finally happened. After 12 long years of teasers, broken promises, and endless examples of other people actually getting work done, the company with the famous catchphrase and an exorbitant amount of time on its hands has fallen. 3D Realms is officially dead.

I can’t say I’m surprised. If one has a company that does next to nothing for over a decade except occasionally produce something, it’s not going to stay afloat for very long. 3DR’s lazy ass was sitting on borrowed time ever since the announcement in 1997 kicked off the biggest joke in video game history.

But although 3DR may be gone, Duke Nukem Forever remains in the air. Take-Two Interactive still holds the publishing rights, and it’s possible that another development team will pick it up. Then again, it could just as easily get canceled and put to rest forever. In either case, we’re likely not going to be hearing “When it’s done!” repeated ad nauseum for 12 more years.

Glenn Beck Calls Video Game Bloggers “Losers”

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words are just funny.

So when Glenn Beck, a conservative talking head on CNN Headline News, called video game bloggers “losers” because they had the gall (the gall I say!) to write mean things about him, I could only chuckle. Then I ran to my blog like the shut-in moron I am to write up a post. Shame on me! How lame can you get?

“Whatever happened to Pong?” Mr. Beck asked last week, as he was discussing the newly-released Grand Theft Auto IV. He expressed concern over the game’s violent nature. He talked about the possibility of your 12-year-old picking up a hooker, having sex with her, and then beating her to death with a baseball bat; yes, he commented on the hooker thing, because no one else ever has. Then he had the president of the Parent’s Television Council show up to discuss the moral implications.

Gaming wastoids were naturally incensed by Mr. Beck’s one-sided piece, and took to their blogs in protest. Mr. Beck apparently read some of these responses and was not pleased. So in the middle of an interview with Dr. Cheryl Olson, (co-author of the book Grand Theft Childhood) he casually slipped in “I could care less” and that “video game bloggers, they’re losers.”

Now that’s just being unfair, Mr. Beck. I consider myself a video game blogger (on occasions when I update with something video-game related) and I’ve never said anything mean about you. In fact, I’d never even heard of you or your show until your GTAIV rant last week. I must’ve been busy trying to steal the train in San Andreas or kill the pig in Manhunt during your career. Oh, and graduating from college, can’t forget that.

I’ve always been taught that when someone calls you names, the natural thing to do is turn the other cheek and move on with your life. Mr. Beck’s retort here harkens back to the days of kindergarten verbal exchanges. Doesn’t he realize that by insulting gamers, he’s only encouraging more posts about him in the future? Maybe a comment like this will become a weekly feature on his show now. But unless Gamepolitics reports on it, I likely won’t see it. I’ll be too preoccupied with driving Madd Dogg’s manager into the ocean. Because I’m a loser, you see.

XBox 360 ‘Bully’ Riddled With Errors, Rockstar “Horrified”

Sources: Joystiq, Kotaku

Newcomers and veterans of Bullworth Academy are apparently none too pleased about the XBox 360 version of Bully: Scholarship Edition. Widespread reports all over the internet have pointed out freezing, framerate issues, and audio glitches.

After it became evident that the issue was on a large scale, Rockstar Games issued a statement:

We have just become aware of the issues people are having with Bully Scholarship Edition on Xbox 360. It appears that some older 360s are experiencing framerate issues, freezes and other problems. You have our word that we never experienced any of this in QA – in any of our offices or at Microsoft. I am horrified, and we are now working around the clock to rectify this situation. Thanks to Neo-Gaf for bringing this matter to our attention. We love our games and put a huge amount of energy and care into making them all that they can be. We would never shove anything out the door – we never have and never will. We apologise to everyone affected for the inconvenience. Respectfully, Sam Houser

It’s good to know that Rockstar Games (according to this statement, anyway) is on top of the issue. And speaking of Bully, I recently rediscovered my love for the game (the PS2 version). Perhaps a (somewhat late) review is in order soon.

“Superhero Movie” Continues Tradition of Greatness.

So what we have here is apparently a parody of Spider-Man (2002). Not Spider-Man 2 or Spider-Man 3, but the first installment. The one that came out six years ago.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to the pharmacy to buy some pain medicine. My sides have practically split from laughter!

Crap to Be Released Tomorrow, Will Likely Win Weekend Box Office

You know what? I can’t.

I’m sorry, America. I know you try really hard to keep me entertained (and spending), and God knows I love all the freedom you’ve given me. But I’m not going to the movies with you on Friday night. I know you’re shocked, and I know it hurts. But you shouldn’t be surprised. I mean, we’ve been over this.

Let’s go ahead and get this out of the way too: you’re going to try guilt-tripping me on Monday morning, by telling me that Meet the Spartans was # 1 at the box office. That won’t work. I’m used to it, and I’m not going to feel sorry. If anything, I’ll only worry more about you.

Honestly though, it’s not entirely your fault. The one I really blame is your friend Hollywood. He– don’t walk away from me, listen. He’s not the person you think he is. I’ve seen the way you act when he’s around you. He influences you, impacts your consciousness, and offers a skewed idealogical perspective. The main reason I didn’t want to meet you for opening weekend was because I knew you’d invite him. There are some serious issues we need to discuss, America. And I’d rather talk about them when you’re alone.

Until then…

“Duke Nukem Forever” Teaser Released

In this life, there are three things you can count on: death, Scary Movie sequels, and George Broussard’s assurance that his “Duke Nukem Forever” disaster is being finished.

It’s been ten long years since the project, a follow-up to 1997’s “Duke Nukem 3D”, was announced to the world. Since then, it’s had a long and colorful history of engine switches, rewrites, disgruntled employees, and the popularization of a certain catchphrase that I won’t repeat here. One generation of the console war passed and another began, “Grand Theft Auto” got three Playstation 2 installments, “Final Fantasy” continued with five sequels, “Doom 3″ was released, millions signed up for “World of Warcraft”, and the “Halo” franchise rose and became popular.

Oh, and I also graduated from both high school and college. But I digress.

Not content to let the swollen dead horse of a joke die, “Nukem” co-developer and 3D Realms owner George Broussard announced on December 18 that a new teaser video was being put together for the company’s annual Christmas party. It was released on the internet yesterday, prompting many responses.

Here it is, in all its glory (if such a word can be used)

Broussard assured the gaming public that the above was a teaser, not a trailer– which explains why there’s next to no gameplay footage. We get a minute and ten seconds of the titular character lifting weights, cross-cut with images of scary looking monsters. Then Duke stands up, cracks his knuckles, and blows smoke into the camera. This is the part where we, the ever so patient and faithful fans, are supposed to stand up and scream “YEAH, ALRIGHT! LONG LIVE OUR DUKE! WHOOO!”

And hey, remember that cutscene in “Duke Nukem 3D” where he ripped the alien boss’s head off and dropped a deuce down its neck? That sweet moment is lovingly referenced here, when Duke proclaims “I’m looking for some alien toilet to park my bricks.” What a hilarious throwback! Will he be peeing in urinals and swearing too?

All the original fans of “Duke Nukem 3D” are not 13 years old anymore. While I certainly can’t speak for all of us, I know that my taste in humor has changed since junior high. Poop just isn’t all that funny anymore. Come to think of it, I don’t really laugh at jack off jokes or subtle misogyny either. Duke Nukem is like a friend you haven’t seen in years who hasn’t grown up. He wants to party all night and bring home strippers, but you’re engaged and have to be at work in the morning. If Broussard wanted to wow me with the scatology and ‘bad assitude’, he should’ve completed”Forever” in 1998, back when I still thought Adam Sandler movies were funny.

Who am I kidding though? When I’m 34 Broussard will still be putting together previews, posting tiny screenshots, and requesting new programmers.

BONUS! The trailer from 2001 that Broussard says is no longer relevant:

No.

No.

Left Behind Games: Stop Lying About “Eternal Forces” Or We’ll Sue

Last December, things were relatively quiet here at Quad’s Corner (then called “World 7″). I had just set up the blog a couple of months earlier, and wasn’t really sure what to do with it. On a whim, I decided to write a short little piece on Left Behind Games and their ever-so-controversial RTS game, “Left Behind: Eternal Forces”. I don’t think I offered much of an opinion or peppered the post with my usual sarcastic spite; I was merely repeating what I’d heard elsewhere.

Microsoft to Replace Scratched Halo 3 Collector’s Edition Discs

Microsoft. Merely mentioning the name immediately brings to mind a hodgepodge of things related to its household status: Windows. DOS. Xbox. Word. Currently, the number one product synonymous with ‘Microsoft’ is “Halo 3″, the hotly anticipated third installment in the legendary series that was released yesterday.

Unfortunately, things don’t always go as they’re intended in Microsoftland. Hot on the tail of the massive hype surrounding “Halo 3″ were reports that the Collector’s Edition discs contained noticeable scratches.

GamePro reported on the widespread scratching, and cited bad packaging as the caus of the problem:

Two reports, including internal GamePro findings, show that the retention nub of the Halo 3 Collector’s Edition fails to keep discs into place. As a result, discs freely roam inside the special packaging and become slightly scratched.

The article went on to say that the scratches don’t have an adverse effect on gameplay; but whether or not this problem will get more serious later on is undetermined.

Microsoft has responded to the epidemic and plans to launch a replacement program.

“We are currently investigating the scope of this situation and notwithstanding the outcome of the investigation, we have implemented a plan to address it. We encourage anyone experiencing these issues to go to xbox.com/support and click on the Halo 3 Limited Edition disc replacement link. We will be replacing these discs and apologize for the inconvenience.”

Quad Says: Faulty packaging is nothing new. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve bought a new audio CD or DVD and found it out if its holding when I removed the shrink wrap. It’s an issue especially prominent with boxed sets. My “Buffy the Vampire” slayer DVDs have been nicked to death because of this problem.

Unfortunately Microsoft has built a reputation not only for dominating the world of computers, but for accident-prone products. These are the guys attributed to the infamous blue screen, the Red Ring of Death, security craters in Internet Explorer, and now a plague of scratches.  But nobody’s perfect.