Back from the Front Lines

Sadly, I haven’t been keeping up with the blog as much as I should have. Ever since I hit that one year mark, it’s been a slow, gradual descent into abandonment, and I’ve returned only occasionally to wipe off the accumulated dust and grime.

So where have I been? What excuse do I have this time? I can’t say I’ve busy during the holidays, because Thanksgiving was fairly uneventful. I can’t say I’ve been watching tons of movies and preparing a new Netflix Capsule post, because I’m only sending them back once a week now. New job? Moving? Sick? No, none of those things.

The truth is that I’ve been playing “Warcraft III: Reign of Chaos”. And lots of it. All the free time I had during evenings could have been spent updating this thing, but I’m so obsessed with pushing through the single-player campaign that I’ve ignored everything else. “I’m almost done with the Undead campaign! I’m almost done with the Orc campaign! Just two more missions of Night Elves and I swear I’ll do something productive…”

As a gamer (psuedogamer?) I know I’m supposed to live in the now. “Reign of Chaos” came out in 2002, officially making it old-hat. I should be following the crowd into “Halo 3″ or “Metroid Prime: Corruption” or hell, “World of Warcraft” if we’re talking the same franchise. You want the honest truth though? My computer is now almost four years out of date, with only the wireless and video cards swapped out over the years. And I don’t actually own any new-gen consoles. I can read about them and offer my opinions, I just can’t play them.

So I’m stuck playing old things to entertain myself, until I can get a new computer or a Wii. Since I’ve amassed such a large collection of (still unfinished) games over the years, there’s no point in buying anything new anyway. And it’s a curious addiction that I have to W-III, because I honestly don’t even like the game all the much. Compared to the greatness that was “Warcraft II”, it just doesn’t have the same… feeling.

Last night I finally reached the last mission in the Night Elf arc- the very end of the core game (I’ll be moving onto the expansion pack after this). From the look of things, it’s going to take at least three days to get it right before I can even attempt victory. It seems impossible, but wouldn’t that be appropriate for the final map? So maybe I’ll post new updates during bouts of frustration.

“Like an advertisement for condoms”

There’s no breaking news to editorialize or major ranting to be done today, so I thought I’d share a couple of classic Youtube videos. Both have been online for a while now, so it’s not like I’m breaking new ground by showing them off.

I should warn you beforehand, though. These two clips demonstrate humanity in its absolute lowest form. They will either make you feel ashamed for being a human being, 0r help you realize that your problems are minuscule compared to other, far more broken individuals.

This first clip is of the infamous World of Warcraft Ventrilo kid. In case you missed out when it initially hit the scene (or your browser isn’t capable of playing flash videos) here’s a synopsis: a WoW obsessed brat (I’m guessing he’s 15 or 16) has been down in his parent’s basement playing the game for hours on end, and mom and dad are tired of it. First mother dearest tries to peel her fat suburban spawn away from the computer screen, prompting lots of screaming, whining, and sobbing. Then dad joins in on the chaos, proving to be just as ineffective as his good lady wife. The video ends with a lot of shrill incoherence from teentoddler, an argument over a lacrosse match, and banter between two guys who were apparently listening in the whole time.

My interest in this clip was renewed by a posting on Game Revolution. Site creator Duke Ferris said that the kid in the clip is “an agent of his own destruction” and “like an advertisement for condoms.” His simile was spot on.

And this one… oh dear Lord, we’re on the train to nowhereland fast. Here, we make a swift exit from the boredom and angst of everyday upper-middle-class suburbia, and find ourselves right smack in the middle of a trailer park. 15-year-old Victoria is determined to have herself a youngin, regardless of what her “stupid mother” has to say about it. And Tori’s had sex over 300 times! That’s right, she’s been counting!

For the life of me, I’ll never understand the mentality of talk show guests. Instead of getting professional help for these sorts of issues, they’d rather go on “The Maury Povich Show” and make total asses of themselves on national television. I don’t get it. Does the warm lighting or eye of a camera make them more comfortable? Are they exhibitionists in some way? Do they think Maury has more insight than a real therapist?

Whatever. Enjoy this heaping helping of sad!

TiVo Alert: Cyber Seduction

The most notorious bad movie of the Internet generation, Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life, is re-airing 9 PM Friday on the Lifetime Channel. For those of you who haven’t seen it, here’s your chance to catch this misguided propaganda flick.

Happy Pornographic Holidays!

Christmas is a magical time for pretty much everybody, especially if you’re a kid with generous parents. What could be better than slowly walking downstairs Christmas morning, eagerly anticipating whatever expensive new console or pile of DVDs awaits in the living room, then opening one box under the tree after another and having your heart stop several times?

How about some smut?

In Chicago, one child got more than he bargained for when his new computer contained some bonus content. As it turns out, his parents had purchased a floor model from a Comp USA outlet and the store forgot to format the drive.

Then in Utah, a 14-year-old boy popped a brand new copy of Madden 07 into his Xbox 360, only to discover something far more interesting than football. What makes this case especially baffling is that the game was factory sealed and contained the appropriate disc label. Somebody down at the EA workshop has some explaining to do…

But wait, there’s more! Once again returning to Chicagoland, we find that a 12-year-old girl received a porn filled media player from her parents. I’d give you more details about it but I can’t get that damned flash video to work.

So there you have it: three separate incidents, three kids visited by a serial porno benefactor. Or maybe Santa’s assembly line elves were a little jaded this year.